I have been Queen Malificent from Sleeping Beauty for Halloween more than a couple times. In fact, she was my regular gig for several years. I don't do cheesy, cheap Walmart Halloween costumes. I like to look like I just stepped out of a high budget Disney movie. The last time I did donned Queen Malificent at my place of employment was when I worked at RehabCare Group in the adjoining St. Louis Metro area of Clayton. This is a large, multi-billion dollar a year physical, occupational and speech therapy company. I worked a shirt-and-tie customer service and billing desk job. On Fridays, we could dress in jeans and a casual dress shirt, and we always had company-wide competitions on Halloween.
There was only one division of prizes to be given out for this Halloween Costume contest, but being typical corporate suck-ups, the prizes were really in two imaginary groups: One group of prizes for the people "upstairs" (the CEO's office and staff), and one group of prizes for the rest of the company.
Without fail, every year, first, second and third place prizes went to the people in the CEO's office. The next 3 places were dealt to the rest of the company. My outfit was a long black coffin-draped velvet dress with the side slit up to the thigh, black velvet platform stiletto heels, 8 pairs of pantyhose (!!), a black turtleneck Dickie, long spider web nails, huge amethyst costume jewelry, a huge raised spider web collar, and because I didn't have the curled horns that Queen Malificent is famous for wearing, a gold crown with a tight fitting hood (only the face showing) had to suffice. I wore 8 pairs of pantyhose to get the show girl smooth legs. You don't have to shave our legs if you wear a lot of pairs of pantyhose! The black Dickie helped with the witchy illusion, as well as avoiding having to shave my chest!
My make-up was pristine, and absolutely to die for!~
On those days, my friends, I did shave my mustache. It was well worth it! That particular outfit was over $500, and it wasn't uncommon for me to invest over $1,500 for a Halloween costume. There will be no Walmart costumes, of out-of-the-box costumes allowed!
The last time I wore "Queen Malificent" at my place of employment, I won first prize. At the award ceremony, when my name was called (Michael Keller!), I stood up from my seat to walk forward through the crowd to claim my prize. When I sashayed to the stage, platform stilettos, my black velvet coffin-draped dress doing a graceful dance all by itself, and my leg shimmering through that slit in the dress, the CEO's eyes were popping out of his head. He was expecting a woman's voice to come out of my mouth when I spoke to thank him! He handed me my money, and said, "Honey, you SHOULD give up your day job!" I answered, "Wearing this crap is a tougher job than any day job than I have ever had! I'll pass on the job offer ! " :)
You will have to trust me on this one. No drag queen, female impersonator, character actor, or anybody of that nature will ever get back the money that they have spent on costumes and make up, in tips from bar patrons, prize money or any other income from doing drag. It is a labor or love. All the prize money I have ever won from the fantastic outfits that I have whipped up never came close covering the money that I spent on them. The reward is all in the art, and never in the money.
On those rare occasions, I have shaved off my mustache, but I let it grow back immediately. Some examples:
So - what is all the kvetshing about?
My complaint is not that "It's Hot!" I can't argue with you on that point. You would win. It is definitely HOT! However, I have had facial hair 99% of the time since I was 17 (26 years), so I am used to the heat. That is not my kvetsh.
To avoid staining my 'stache, I drink my morning coffee through a drinking straw, and I carry a drinking straw on my person everywhere I go. I drink almost everything, in fact, through a straw, including Koolaid, etc.
Ice cream in **any** form is not fun, but if I am offered an ice cream cone, I think I have been forced to take a trip straight through Hell. Unknown to myself, a major portion of the ice cream becomes temporarily lodged in my 'stache, and then a few seconds later, will always drip onto my chest, creating a huge mess and a stained shirt, or a sticky belly.
Due to staining and 'general mess' issues, as well as my gluten intolerance, most pasta dishes (tomato sauces!) are out of the question.
I dearly love Indian (India) food, and a lot of those sauces are closely related (in consistency) to tomato sauces. I am not about to give those up for ANY reason, and since I know the Indian folk are a big fan of my facial hair style (look up "Raj Put"), I am further encouraged to KEEP the 'stache! I love my fan base! he he he (And they love me!)
HOWEVER......
(Those of you who know me well will know that I have worn complete, removable dentures since I was 30 - for 13 years now. It isn't a big secret! If you would like a smile like mine, you can contact Dr. Thomas Farmer in Clayton (St. Louis, MO), on Hanley Road, and he will hook you up!)
When I glue the lower half of my face in each morning, I almost always trap half of my mustache underneath it. That is a pain, both physically and figuratively.
My facial hair seems to go through cycles. For long periods of time, it seems like I loose hands full of hair from my 'stache and beard every day.
My last complaint is, believe it or not, the time I spend standing in front of the mirror! Most people that know me can't imagine that I would ever tire from standing in front of a mirror, and in most cases, they would be correct, but this instance is different. My beard doesn't grow this way. It is bleached with a powerful powdered bleach (BW2000 is the brand name), and to style it, I use normal hair mousse, a **LOT** of hair spray, and a carefully aimed blow dryer. If I want to wax the 'tips', I use my own specially formulated "Butch Wax", which is another show, altogether. I had to create my own blend, which is stronger than the original Butch Wax, which is becoming increasingly more difficult to find on the market.
Let me explain my attachment to this thing on my face:
I can go to many of the large venues, which includes any of the large local art shows, the Japanese or Greek Fests, any time at the the Missouri Botanical Gardens, the Great Forest Park Balloon Race, Let 'Em Eat Art Fest, and many local markets, etc - and I am recognized on the spot. The people that own or operate most of the shops that I frequent also recognize me. I will admit that even though I am a "shy guy" (yeah - right!), the recognition is addicting.
Almost every time I leave the house, whether it is to an event, shopping at Soulard Farmer's Market, whether we are going to an estate sale, or simply shopping at a local mall, I am often asked to stop and post for pictures. I will have to admit that that, too, is addicting! :)
If I trim this stuff up to a 'normal' length, I slip into the background and become a fricken wallflower
Through watching my relatives, then doing exactly the opposite actions that they were doing, I learned how to get attention through positive, energetic actions, rather than negative, lazy actions:
I started wearing fun clothes, fine tuning talents and interests, having a wonderful hairstyle and / or 'stache, attending frequent venues and events, and generally squeezing as much life out of this planet as I can while I am on the face of it. You will have to take my word for it when I tell you that NOT doing these things will quickly lead to undesired effects.
My biggest fear is allowing myself to become like those that I am trying so desperately to avoid. For reasons that I will not go into in this particular blog (but that I am not afraid to divulge in another blog!), my mother fought like hell to avoid becoming "her mother." In every detail, she has become a carbon copy of my grandmother - her mother. My oldest sister (6 yrs. younger than me) put forth a small attempt to avoid becoming like our mother. In some small details, she has succeeded to a negligible degree. The difference isn't worth mentioning, really. Due to her own failure to take action on her life, my younger sister has been a complete loss to society since birth. That issue is quite another blog for another day.
Every bit of the person that I have become is the result of hard work, planning, a firm sense of unwavering direction, a small amount of observation, and a lot of determination. I am completely and intentionally "self-made", clear down to the mustache!
My dear readers, the 'gifts' that I have been given are not apparent to the casual observer. They do *not* consist of creativity, musical talent, my knitting, etc. When confronted with the knowledge that a person failed to learn a particular skill, such as playing a musical instrument or learning a foreign language, many people will brush off MY skills as, "Oh, you were given a Gift.!" They feel that since I have been the recipient of this "magnificent Gift", and they had no such luck, then it frees them of the responsibility of taking charge of their lives, their time, and their energy, and learning a new skill - or taking care of themselves!
I want each and every one of the people that think I have "been given a Gift" to sit next to me every day, 2 hours a day while I teach myself how to read music. I haven't been given a gift. The person that I have become is a result of hard work. No gifts were involved.
The *ONLY* 'Gift' I have been given is to have been spared (I didn't say "delivered" - I said "SPARED") the outcome of being like my other family members. Being "Delivered" from that evil is better than still living that mess, but the ultimate gift is to have been spared the entire ordeal. That, my friends is my Gift, and please let me tell you that there isn't an hour of any day that I have been alive, alert and conscious that I do not give thanks to my Creator for sparing me the life that they live!
Mark will verify this: When I am sitting in an Indian Restaurant, walking through the Japanese Fest in the fall, walking through the Missouri Botanical Gardens ANY TIME, or walking through the St. Louis Art Show and Fair, just to name a few examples, I am honestly reduced to tears because I am thankful that I was the one that was chosen to be allowed to experience those things. I have been the lucky recipient of this Gift, and no others.
About changing one's appearance:
In the past, when I would shorten my mustache, some insecure person will inevitably say, "Oh, Michael! That looks better!"
Doncha know that I will quickly stop them, and correct with, "No, I didn't shorten my facial hair because I wanted to 'look better'. I was perfectly satisfied with the way I looked before, and I am equally satisfied with the way I look after I cut it. I did it simply because I wanted a change, not an improvement. "
There are many issues that are an 'after-the-fact' issue. You have to be on the other side of the issue to even notice that it exists. People that really should make a change will be the last ones to do make that change, yet they will be the first individuals to comment on another person's change. The person needing to make the change that makes a comment to an individual who has already done so is simply trying to rationalize the rut they are stuck in, but that, my friends, is another Dr. Phil 101 class for another day.
The summary of the chapter of this mini series (he he) is that when *I* make a change, it is simply for the sake of change, and nothing more.
Let's take my recent 75 lb. weight loss, for example. All things taken into consideration, I liked the way I looked BEFORE I lost weight. If I liked the 'before look' more than the 'after look', then why did I lose the weight, you ask?
Because of my jacked-up ankle, and severe arthritis, in general, I was edging closer and closer to life in a wheel chair. I need a new ankle, but prosthetic ankles haven't been perfected yet, so I have to wait several more years. I was also edging towards diabetes, heart disease, and high blood pressure, just to name a few issues off the top of my head. SO... I had a choice: Be fat, but hefty, and look lovely while somebody that never really cared for me (family members) throw my remains in a box, stare at me for a couple days - call it their own party - and then throw me in a dark hole in the ground, many years before a normal lifespan is up for me. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me, so I lost 75 lbs. The weight loss bought me more time. I sacrificed a look that I loved - being beefy - with being like a gaunt Ethiopian baby, for the same for the sake of being healthy and independent as long as possible.
I did the same thing with my skin. I have psoriasis. I was given the choice of using a medication for this genetic disease, or get as tan (either using a tanning bed or going outdoors) to keep the problem at bay.
The medication was $600 a month, and it never really worked as intended. After being used as prescribed, that expensive cream still left my skin red, bloody and blotchy. The directions on the label instructed me to put rubber gloves on my hands, because the cream is toxic to my liver, then apply the cream to the lesions that are all over my body! HUH? I am a nurse by trade, and that didn't make much sense to me!
My dermatologist told me that since I am not a high risk patient for skin cancer, the benefits of being tan, in my case, outweigh my risk of skin cancer. He told me that he would monitor me for skin cancer, and that I should spend as much time outdoors as possible. If I don't have the time to spend outdoors, I should go to a tanning salon, and if I don't have time to go to a tanning salon, I should buy a tanning bed. After 2 years of paying a monthly fee to go to a tanning salon (and driving there 3 times a week), I got tired of pouring money down a hole, and I bought myself a $4,000 tanning bed. I use it 3 times a week.
With the 'psoriasis thing', I had another choice to make. I could look like a cross between George Hamilton and Moses, or I could look like a bloody leper. I chose the George Hamilton / Moses thing!
Yes, I am prematurely aging. My skin is aging at a rate faster than it ever has, and I have sun related wrinkles. But - it's better than looking like a leper, and waking up in the morning bloody, with skin caked under my fingernails because I scratched myself to death during the night.
This is another choice I had to make: Be tan and look old, or be pale as a ghost with huge lesions all over my body. I made the choice that I could live with the best, and not for one second do I regret that choice.
Back to the 'stache:
1) I like the way I look either way, with a short or long 'stache.
2) I am rather fond of the attention, and the tiny bit of local fame - my 15 seconds of fame - that it brings me. The compliments and the photographs are good for the ego! Everybody should have their own private applause box, and I have my own, too.
3) Although in the past, I have had my share of fun with being a wallflower, losing a large part of my identity will take some getting used to.
4) I do sometimes need a break from the 'stache. I would love to eat or drink ANYTHING without having a comb handy and / or napkin handy at all times to wipe the excess out of my facial hair.
5) I am losing hair out of it more and more each day. I am certain that I have half the volume of hair that I did a year ago. It's not an 'age' thing. Even though I try not to over-process it, my facial hair becomes dry and brittle, and breaks off at an increasing rate.
6) I would love to put my teeth in my mouth in the morning without 'gluing' my mustache in my mouth with them.
7) I know I will suffer at least a bit of separation anxiety for the first month after it's gone, if I choose to take it down a major step!
I know that in either case, it's not a life-or-death decision, but...but.. What's a man to do?
'Stache on or 'Stache off?
(Either way, it's not disappearing. More appropriately, I should have stated:
"Long 'stache or short 'stache?"
Should we take a vote?
- Michael
