"Furniture Disease"

 


This reminds me of the days before I became an LPN. I was working as a CNA.

I got this elderly female dementia patient out of bed, and dressed her in a button-up shirt, and a pair of slacks, getting her ready for breakfast. I sat her in her Geri-Chair, and started to leave the room to get the next patient out of bed.

This patient was almost always in some state of agitation, but this particular morning, she had an unusually frustrated look on her face, she was yelling out, and she was frantically clawing at her pants.  She hadn't put the words together to formulate a complex sentence in several years, so we had to get our clues as to what was bugging her by her body language and her general demeanor. 

As I got closer to the door, her agitation increased to the point that I realized this wasn't a usual 'fit', but that she REALLY needed attention.

I walked over to her Geri-chair, and pulled on the front of the elastic in her pants. She fell back in the chair, looked extremely grateful to me, and did muster "Th-Th-Thank you, H-H-Honey!"

I gave her the diagnosis of "Furniture Disease" = Her chest met her drawers!

(Her boobs were caught in her pants!)

From that day forward, I made sure 'nothing' was trapped in her pants that wasn't supposed to be trapped in her pants before I left her room!
I also took care of a 92 yr. old man who was a 'bit' impatient when it came to waiting for his turn to be put to bed at night.  

Even though he shouldn't have been attempting to put himself to bed, he would often go into a 'pout' that we all recognized, and he would crawl ON TO the bed.  We would walk by his room, and see him on his knees in his bed, bare butt up in the air, sticking out of his open gown, and aimed towards the door, with his head down on the bed, sleeping (much like a baby sleeps on his knees).

Besides purposefully being unashamed of being bare-assed to the world, he had another problem:
More often than not, he was KNEELING ON HIS SCROTUM!

(GOD GOD, GERTIE!)

I would walk into his room, and tell him, "Mister, even though it probably does hurt me to look at you kneeling on your own scrotum more than it does for you to actually do it, physically, the pain has to be greater for you more than it is for me!  you're hurting yourself more than you are hurting me."

We had a couple gents on that floor that we had to take measures to ensure that their equipment, was outside the toilet or commode to avoid having it hit the bottom of the toilet / commode!  

I have only one question:
Why is all of this 'junk' wasted on the elderly?
he he he

- Michael

Praise God, Damn it! Ring Around The Graceland - TAG! YOU'RE IT!

At this point, in my up-hill battle for Gay Rights, equality and justice, I feel that I have only 2 choices:

It's either:

1) "Cuss and pray" at the same time - which may, or may not send me to straight to Hell in a handbasket.

2) or I can fall flat on my back on the floor, with my eyes rolled back in my head, eye lids fluttering, my body stiff as a board, yet flopping around, babbling incoherently, while foaming at the mouth.

At this point in my fight, I don't know whether to "Shit or go blind", or to "Wind my butt or scratch my watch!"

Speaking of 'praying and cussing' at the same time, I heard from a reliable source that the OTHER king, Mr. Elvis Presley, was good at doing that, too.

I once dated a fella (Jim) that was an immediate next-door neighbor to Elvis' Graceland in Memphis. Jim told me the tale of when Elvis was actually home at Graceland, and he ventured out of his seclusion, he would often play Tag with the neighbor kids - including Jim - in his yard.  For the life of me, I can't imagine Elvis running **AT ALL** but, there are witnesses to the fact that he did have the occasional urge to play the with neighborhood kids, and get a little exercise. 

There is a Chapel on the Graceland estate grounds.  Elvis, the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and Tina Turner, the Queen of Rock 'n' Roll, were both raised in Pentecostal churches.  

Elvis, the poor tortured soul, could not free himself of the residual guilt that he carried from that 'Pentecostal Past', so when he was home in Graceland, on Sunday morning, he would hold his own 'Church services' in Graceland's chapel.  Not only were any and all Graceland Grounds staff required by Elvis to attend these 'services', but also were Priscilla and Lisa Marie.  Elvis not only carried a 'burden' in his tough little heart for his grounds staff and his family, but neighbors, including my ex-boyfriend, Jim, were also required to attend these Sunday services.  

Jim said that Elvis was standing at the pulpit, with an open Bible in one hand, the other hand pointing to Heaven, and at the top of his lungs, and with all of his energy, he was 'preaching' - with as much sincerity as he could possibly muster.  The only problem was, that, if you knew Elvis personally, as a part of his everyday vernacular, you would know that these 'sermons' were peppered with every swear word in the book.

Jim reported that Priscilla and Lisa (and others in the Chapel) would take about as much of the cursing / preaching combo on-slaught as the could swallow and still maintain a straight face, without laughing out loud at him.  Any big smiles, giggles, or laughter out-bursts would result in the sermon being interrupted by Elvis, "The Preacher", and the offending individual being reprimanded in front of the congregation in the Chapel.  Once Elvis gave the laughing offender a verbal lashing, he picked up where he left off: Cussing and preaching at the same time!

On August 16, 1977, the day Elvis died, my Ex was standing on Graceland's lawn, and watched the EMTs put his body in the Ambulance.

(When I worked as a nurse, one of my fellow nurses sang and played in a Jazz band that often opened for Elvis, Ike / Tina Turner and Chuck Berry, to name a few.  The stories that she too, could tell, ranged from endearing to jaw dropping!)

- Michael

Con Ti Partiro

JUST when my number of FB friends start to rise, I realize that it's time for me to do some FB House Keeping.


(Can't ya'all hear the thunder and see the lightning bolts crack as my little fat fingers are pecking away at these keys?)


Yesterday, I kicked a bigotted relative off my list, and today, another bigotted ass followed suit, even while the screen door was still swingin' !


I know..... I know....  I was the one that opened the door to them in the first place, no?  The explanation is simple:  I am the Eternal Girl Scout!


I want to say, "Contrary to popular belief, I really do want to give people the benefit-of-the-doubt, and I want to believe that people are more good than bad."  In reality, I am not nearly that benevolent.  I give people enough rope to hang themselves. Unfortunately, most of those people that I have given "free rope" have taken me up on the deal.  


My interest in anything I have ever acquired in my entire life has been "quality" over "quantity".  Since I DO have a choice and a say-so in the matter, I would rather have very few QUALITY friends than an abundance of people of lesser character on my list - and in my life, in general.


Translated:  Numbers don't mean anything to me.  A lot of people on FB will deal with crap - BAD crap - from people, just to keep those indiviuals on their friend's list, so they can have higher numbers. High numbers of fake friends holds no charm for me.  A low number of good people in my life is much more important in my belief system.


These people are not welcome on my FB Friend's list, or in my life, in general:
* hate or bigotry in any manner
* people who need a "token fag" on their list.
* people who think they are "doing me a favor" by keeping me on their list.
* people who "tolerate" me. (God, do I hate that word and it's association!)


To "be tolerant" means, "I don't like you or what you're doing, but to 'keep the peace', I will put up with you."  No, baby.  Not this one.  In no way do I want to be attached to anyone who thinks they have to 'just put up with me."


Contrary to what many people believe, our lives are getting shorter - not longer.  Every day you live is one less day you will spend on the face of this Earth.  Since my BIRTH, time has been the most valuable currency in my world.  With each day that I live, I have less time left.  With that consideration, time becomes even more valuable.  I am already angry enough with myself for wasting that precioius gift - time - on such individuals.  Minimally, I will consider it a "lesson learned", and I will know well enough not to repeat it. 


Just a little "Head's Up":


Not long ago, in one fell swoop, I dumped 35 FB friends. (Mind you, my total number of FB friends has never been over 140, so 35 is a fairly large percentage!)


I don't care who the Hell you are, if I catch even the slightest whiff of Hate or Bigotry from anyone, my trigger finger will click "Unfriend" and "Block" faster than CBS dumped "Jimmy The Greek!"

- Michael

St. Louis World Naked Bike Ride 2013

Info gleamed from FaceBook
re:  The World Naked Bike Ride St. Louis 2013

Saturday, July 27, 2013

6:00pm until 10:00pm

Location:
South Grand Parking Lot, Grand and Hartford

Come bare as you dare to protest oil dependency, raise awareness of cyclist rights and vulnerability on the road, and promote positive body image for the 6th annual World Naked Bike Ride in St. Louis!

WNBR Festival & Rally, 6 p.m.
Live music, live art, expo of bike shops, bicycle, environmental, and body positive organizations in the St. Louis region. Contest for best creative covering, slogan, body-paint, costume, and best-dressed bicycle. Rally at 7:45 p.m.

Ride, 8 p.m.
Join us for a 10 mile bike ride throughout the city. Route will be available in June.

WNBR post-ride Celebration, 9:30 p.m.
As usual, our partners HandleBar and Atomic Cowboy will be hosting an after-ride celebration in the Grove. More details to come.

We will also be hosting a WNBR teach-in for folks interested in starting a WNBR in their own city. Details TBD.

Questions? Want to be involved? Contact wnbrstl@gmail.com.
____________________________________________________________

In this pic, I dunno if I was looking for the Mother Ship to return, or what I was eyeballing, but I do know:

1) I am thankful for Psoriasis!  The tanning bed that I use to keep the lesions at bay makes me several shades darker than those pasty-white people behind me!  :)
(There ain't much that looks better than a snow-white jock against a tan bod!)

2) You can't see it in this pic, but I have on hot pink raspberry glittery men's All-Star Converse tennis shoes that I bought from the Journey mall shoe stores to match my wonderful hand-made bow-tie!  

3) The Erb's Palsy in my right arm makes that arm a full 4" shorter than my left arm, and it also makes for some interesting positions when holding onto and trying to balance and keep bicycle handlebars pointing straight ahead. (And my left leg, from the knee down, is twice the size of my right leg.  That makes pedaling in circles EASY, but pedaling a straight line is somewhat challenging!  he he



My nephew and myself are at the 13:00 point in this video:

But of course!  I participated in 4 out of the 5 St. Louis World Naked Bike Rides that we have had in St. Louis since 2008, and I will definitely ride next year.

The World Naked Bike Ride is an annual event in 20 countries, and in 70 cities world wide.  For more information on this event, in general, click:http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org


Required reading:
Famous world traveler Rick Steve's article, entitled:

"European Nudes and American Prudes":http://www.ricksteves.com/tms/article.cfm?id=230
- Michael