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Friday, April 20, 2012

Take one puff or two, and call me in the morning!


When I was in Virginia Beach, VA in 1997, I had packed a 40' moving van with a 2nd floor apt. full of furniture.  That is a LOT of wear and tear on an ankle that really wasn't designed to bear weight  at all.  After we packed the truck, we went to a local diner for supper.  My Ex had to help me back to the truck after we ate, because I couldn't touch my foot to the ground without screaming my damned head off.
The next day, we were planning on driving back to St. Louis.  I had to crawl through the house because I couldn't stand up.

Anywho, he got me a little "help" from an acquaintance's house.

Back story:
When I was 17, and fresh out of my parent's house, I was in a horrible "straight roommate" situation that I don't care to ever repeat as long as I live.  When I first met this roommate, he was an attractive young man.  Virile, muscly, bushy red hair, a full, thick beard, and from across the room, at any rate, it didn't seem like he was hurting anywhere else, if you know what I mean.

This young man spent the entire check from his job on pot and beer. He chain smoked - POT!     We could drive (!!) at highway speeds in his 1974 Chevy Nova, with all 4 windows rolled completely down, and when I got out of the car, my eyes were beet red.  I had never touched the stuff, but you can bet that I was building up a tolerance by getting a load of his smoke when I was anywhere within a 10 mile radius of him.

A couple years later, I was offered a joint.  Smoked this joint, and I looked at the people that were in this circle, and did my best imitation of Peggy Lee... "Is That All There Is?"  Keep in mind that just a couple years earlier, I shared an apartment with the world's biggest pot head.  Just by knowing this people and what they were about, I can testify that they did not have "bad weed", but that my tolerance was still very high, considering the fact that I had never actually touched a joint in my life.

That was in 1989.  Fast forward to 1997, Virginia Beach:

My helpful friend rolled me a FAT joint, and, based on my previous experience, I smoked the whole damned thing.  Mind you, I hadn't been anywhere near the stuff in almost 10 years.  You know that from my personal medical experience, I had been on morphine and other strong pain killers as a child, so my tolerance (when I was YOUNG!) was very high.  Pot is no match for Morphine, Vicodin, etc.

To end this storied saga, I thought my tolerance would still be sky high, so I smoked this fat joint.  THEN, my friend takes me to lunch WITH HIS JEWISH MOTHER! at a snack shop that was inside a grocery store.  By this time of the day - considering that I inhaled an entire fat joint - I was feeling NO PAIN AT ALL.  Even with no pain, I was fighting like Hell to walk across parking lot to go inside the grocery store.  The problem was simple. I was so fricken high that I couldn't stand up!

We entered the snack shop, and I approached the counter.  I asked the gent if he had any ONION ice cream!  When I realized my folly, of course, I thought I was fricken hilarious, and I laughed my ass off for probably 10 minutes.  THEN....I had to go sit at a table, act as if nothing strange was happening, and have decent conversation with his Jewish mamma!  (Hindsight being 20 / 20, the whole day was hilarious, but at the time... not so much!)

I know you are asking, "What happened to the buff red head?"
Answer:
In excessive amounts, the active ingredient in marijuana (THC), decreases testosterone levels.  What is left? ESTROGEN!  In other words a side effect of excessive pot use can be increased secondary female sex characteristics in men.

This man's beard grew sparse and shaggy, his voice raised considerably, his hips widened in a womanly fashion, and he grew noticeably large BOOBS! Worse yet, I witnessed him frustrated, storming out of his bedroom on more than one occasion.  He had his girlfriend in there, they were trying to "get it on", and he couldn't!  His testosterone had decreased so much that his penis and testicles shrank, and could no longer get it up when he wanted to.

I don't know if this man has completely drugged himself out yet (if he is still alive), but if he EVER decided to decrease his pot use, his voice MIGHT lower again, and his facial hair MIGHT grow back. But - he is probably stuck with those womanly hips and his huge honkers!

The moral of this story:
#1) I would like to take Marinol - the active ingredient in pot in a legal pill form, and since I quite smoking 2 years ago, I think inhaling ANYTHING would hurt my lungs more than it would help, if you know what I mean.
#2) Since I like my manliness right where it is, occasional medical use is OK, but even though I have in the past often played "a woman on TV", I really don't want a pot-induced sex change!  :)

Marinol:

photo of Marinol tablet

More info:
http://www.justice.gov/dea/ongoing/marinol.html
- Michael


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