"Is there something you want, dear?"

Conrad's (the African Grey parrot) latest rant:

Between 2:00 - 3:00 PM each afternoon, I wheel Corad's cage from the living room into our office. I can put up a makeshift baracade in the hallway to keep the 2 bigger dogs out of the office, but it lets Rudolph, the pug, through when he wants to come to visit us. I usully open his cage door so he can climb out and perch on the open door, or play for a while on the top of the cage. Most Greys like to roam, and they aren't good 'perch' birds. I have trained Conrad to stay on his cage, and he will stay on top of his cage for a couple hours at a time without roaming. Today was no exception to this rule. I put him in the office, opened the cage door, and went into the kitchen to make myself a late lunch.

Seconds after I walk out of the room, just to get my attention, Conrad yells:
"Michael, eat shit and die, Bitch!"

From the kitchen, I answer him with,
"Conrad!".... then I walk back into the office, and look at him dead in the eye. He asks me,
"Is there something you want, dear?"

I said, "As a matter of fact, there I do want something. I want you to act like a sane, civil little humanoid, and try to talk politely to me for a change!"

I dip back out of the office, heading for the kitchen, and he answers me under his breath,
"OK, but you're such an asshole!"

I wasn't too far down the hallway to turn back, and I stuck my head back through the office door, and I said,
"I heard that! Do you want to repeat that to my face?"

He looked absolutely shocked that I would return, and he tried to deflect the situation by yelling, "I love you, Michael! I love you!"

I answered him with, "There! That is a better answer! I knew you could do it!"

As I head back down the hallway one last time, I hear him mutter under his breatth again,
"You big whore!"

(Editor's note:
I can see now that I am getting nowhere by correcting him, and that I should , in fact, save my breath for when the day does eventually come that I might need it!)