True suckership is servanthood.
I'm putting the interests of ME at the center of my decisions, and others can go do thou likewise.
When I was 19, I realized that "When that times comes, I will be the one to do the dying for myself, because nobody else can or will do it for me. Those people that thought I should live my life for THEM, instead of FOR ME will be glaringly and obviously absent at that moment.
In like fashion, I am also going to be the one to do the living for myself. I will not let anyone even attempt to do that for me, either. Those people that can't and won't die for me will not be allowed to do the living, or to make life choices for me, either.
A month ago tomorrow, I had to drove to Hannibal to bury the #1 music mentor in my entire life. I have known this man since my birth (45 years), He was 12 when I was born.
To make a long story a lot more longer and tedious, we lost contact of each other in adulthood when his family moved from Hannibal to Chicago, where he had a Hammond organ business (both selling them and playing professionally) - for about 15 years - but became reacquainted and close friends again 15 years ago.
In adulthood, he had long, platinum blonde hair. and was a loud, boisterous little shit. I **very** incorrectly assumed that, like myself, he was at the helm of his ship, controlling every aspect of his life, and doing a good job of it.
In 2008, I made the trip from STL to Hannibal to go to his grandmother's visitation and funeral. This woman was the one that planted the music seed in my friend's mother (her daughter), and in Phil, himself. His grandmother was also the minister's wife. I remember when she rocked me in the cradle in the church nursery, and when she rocked me when she held me in her arms when I was 18 MONTHS old. I remember those moments because I felt a warm love from her that I never got from my own mother / family.
Anywho, back to Phil. I went to this man's grandmother's funeral in 2008. We were in the funeral home, and walked several feet from his grandmother's casket. His mother (her daughter) was standing at the head of the receiving line, at the head of the casket.)
In passing, and as we were walking by - SEVERAL FEET AWAY! - I casually mentioned some superficial gay issue that was so trivial that I can't even remember the subject of the actual conversation. (and if I have memories back to when I was 18 months old, memories made in 2008 are recent history!)
As soon as I made that light comment, Phil whirled around on his heel, looked at me, and quickly put his finger to his lips and hissed, "SHHHHHHHH!" at me. I was momentarily confused. I whispered back to him, "WHAT???? What did I say that was wrong?" He answered me back, "We don't talk about that (being gay.)"
I stopped for a moment in my tracks, letting the reality of the events that just occurred sink in my skull.
I'm fairly quick on the draw, and not more than a second of time passed before I grabbed him by the arm, and I yanked him in the hallway of the funeral home, and I let out this acidic hiss:
"Oh, Hell to the power of NO, Phil! You are a 50 year old STRONG man with your own business and your own life, and you STILL have not told your mother that she can love you for WHO you are, or she can go straight to Hell?"
That was just the tip of the iceberg, as I quickly found out.
This VERY GAY MAN actually got married. To a female - when he was much younger. He has a daughter that is almost 30, and 2 grandsons.
Was his 'wife' at the funeral of this family matriarch? No. Was his daughter? No.
In fact, the first time in my entire life that I had ever seen his wife was at his OWN funeral.
Another clincher: Phil's #1 worry was that he would die 'alone, at home, and that nobody would find his body for days or weeks.'
I have a very important question / interjection:
"How does one die 'alone and at home, an nobody would fine your body for days or weeks' when one is 'married', with a wife 'at home?'
The answer. While I believe that they were truly legally married, this entire fiasco was a 'cover up'. It was a bad, put-on front. You see, his family is very religious (ALL of them are First United Pentecostal people that went non-denominational, but they still harbor the evils and the bigotry that comes along with being past-Pentecostal.
I about shit myself when, at the graveside, Phil's brother listed ALL the surviving relatives during the committal service, and was several sentences away from that train of thought when he FINALLY remembered to mention Phil's 'wife'. The brother said, "I want to thank Tilly, his wife, for standing by his side all these years!" My sister was at this service with me. I whispered in my sister's ear, "She wasn't standing by his side! She was standing across Chicago, because they never lived together! It took Andrew several sentences past the listing of the family before he even remembered to include her!"
Why did Phil's brother forget to mention Phil's wife? Because she was a 'wife' in name, only, and was there only to serve as a cover-up because Phil was gay, and this family is chock-full of bigots.
I was, and I still am, floored beyond belief.
Granted, this man had HIDEOUS health habits.
(Further proof that he was a gay man lies in the few next sentences.)
You see.... Phil was the blackest white man you have ever seen. From the age of 9, he played VERY heavy, multi-national-award-winning black gospel music in an all-white Pentecostal church that had never heard a single note of black gospel music in their entire lives. Phil was arguably one of the best gospel organists in this entire country, and most likely, in the entire world, for that matter.
Along the lines of playing all-black gospel music, Phil LOVED black men. When I say LOVED, I am talking about in both a very physical AND a relationship / romantic sense. I have proof of that fact that I good taste and decorum will not allow me to write in this space, so you will have to trust me on that one.
Not only did Phil think he was a black man, but he also lived like one. If you have ever heard his organ playing style, you would admit that the influence is 'thick and undeniable'. Phil was also a non-denominational minister. If you ever heard him preach or sing, and you closed your eyes, you would be most certain that you were listening to a LARGE black man, rather than a small, white man. Not only did Phil play like a black man, but he also sang and spoke like a black man, too.
Phil smoked. Heavily. Sorry, folks. It's the truth.
The only physical exercise that he EVER got was sitting on a Hammond organ bench.
And, if there was ever a part of a diet that is associated with black culture that is bad for you, Phil found it, lived it, and loved it. I'm talking about much more than 'soul food', which he loved and relished, I'm talking about fast food, and tons of it.
There is one HUGELY important factor in Phil's death that his 'loving' family never considered:
(I am a nurse, and I am a damned good nurse. I have 20+ years of astute observations under my belt.)
Granted. Five years from now, Phil would have died from the heart attack that did actually kill him - in the parking lot of a tanning salon! - as a result of his hideous health habits, and ignoring what he was doing to his body. He would have been in his 60's, rather than in his 50's when he died.
** IN A VERY REAL SENSE, STRESS KILLS! **
This is jus a tiny fraction of a list that contains major life stressors:
* Minor violations of the law
* Major holidays
* Vacation
* Major change in number of family get-togethers
* Change in eating habits
* Major change in sleeping habits (a lot more or a lot less than usual)
* Taking on a loan (car,etc.,)
* Major change in social activities (clubs,movies,visiting,etc.)
* Major change in usual type and/or amount of recreation
* Major change in church or temple activity (i.e.. a lot more or less than usual)
* Major changes in working hours or conditions
* Changes in residence
* Changing to a new school
* Trouble with boss
* Revision of personal habits (dress manners, associations, quitting smoking)
* Major change in living condition
Living your entire life as a huge lie, just so your 'loving family' won't alienate you is a huge stressor that, by far, trumps any and all on the above list. As was clearly demonstrated in Phil's case, living such a huge lie will knock many years off your already miserable life.
Phil died at the age of 57 due to a hideously cat-boxed lie. Period.
I will agree with you: It was PHIL'S responsibility to 'politely' tell every member of his family:
"I can love whoever the Hell I damned well please. I can be physically attracted to whoever the Hell I damned well please. I will not make excuses for who I am or for what I do. There will never be any need for me to do that, so don't wait around for it."
"What I do in my bed - or in my entire life, for that matter - is none of your business or of your concern. I am not a "What", I am a "Who". You will love me for WHO I am, not for WHAT I am. I don't want mere 'tolerance' out of you, either. 'Tolerance' means, "I don't like what you are doing, but I will deal with it, in order to keep the peace.". No. I can do you one better than that. If you are going to be in my life *at all*, you are going to absolutely love me for who I am. I don't want to burden you with 'tolerance'. Get the Hell out of my life, and get the Hell out now."
"While we're on the subject, where the Hell do you get off thinking you have the authority to judge me at all? More than just a little pompous and self-important, are we? Your life is no more valid or authentic than my own life, and the fact that you think you have been given a position to just, put down or persecute people for living their own lives just might lower your own life a peg or two."
I am proud - nay - down-right THRILLED to love and to live my life to the fullest extent that I see fit.
You are not welcome nor allowed to do so for me, so get the Hell out and get the Hell out now!"
(Trust me. The liberation that follows is the most cleansing feeling that will ever flood your soul. I did the same thing to my entire family, and like Lot's Wife who is in that Bible that those people think they have the right to hurl at me, I have never looked back, for fear of turning into a pillar of THEM! It worked for me!)
EVEN THOUGH.... Phil had the responsibility for setting those fools on the correct course, they should have had the wherewithal to NOT be royal jackasses and tell him that he is going to Hell for being a gay man. He was gullible and vulnerable, and they took advantage of those huge weaknesses that he harbored and allowed to grow quickly out of control.
Come, now, people! Which do we think will send you to Hell the quickest:
1) Living an HONEST, AUTHENTIC life that is based on LOVE for another individual or
2) Wasting your entire life while fabricating lie after lie and living an ENTIRE lie until the day you die, thus living miserably until the day you die. (And usually having a separate relationship with a person who you were INTENDED to be with in the first place, thus 'stepping out' on the fake relationship that you constructed as a cover-up.
(You do know that I could go on for another couple chapters of this 'book' on #1, but, in the immortal words of Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls.... "But, I digress."
To recap:
I will not live nor die like Phil did. I have heard SO many people comment, "I love Phil! He always spoke what was in his heart and what crossed his mind!"
The truth: UH.... NO, HE ABSOLUTELY DID NOT!
I have also heard people say, "Phil was such a strong man!"
The truth: NOPE. NOT TRUE, EITHER!
(How the Hell strong exactly was he, when he wouldn't even allow him to life a fair, justified life, and in fact, he lived it for others, which ultimately killed him?)
Again...."When that times comes, I will be the one to do the dying for myself, because nobody else can or will do it for me. Those people that thought I should live my life for THEM, instead of FOR ME will be glaringly and obviously absent at that moment.
In like fashion, I am also going to be the one to do the living for myself. I will not let anyone even attempt to do that for me, either. Those people that can't and won't die for me will not be allowed to do the living, or to make life choices for me, either.
It is a very sad fact, indeed, that **I** lived the life that Phil preached. **I** practiced his preaching. He did not. I live happily. He never did. Was his sacrifice worth it?
If you answer 'yes' to that question, you need: God, Jesus, Allah, Ganasha, Shive, Krishna, Rama - somebody, damn it! - but the help you need is beyond the scope of my skill set!
(The really scary part of this deal is that I know at least 5 very gay men that are in 'straight' marriages, or they are very gay men that call themselves 'straight'. All 5 of those people are truly and obviously as miserable as miserable can get, and most of them ooze that miserableness onto anybody that is unfortunate enough to be close enough to the afflicted individual to get some of that nasty ooze on them!)
- Michael
I'm putting the interests of ME at the center of my decisions, and others can go do thou likewise.
When I was 19, I realized that "When that times comes, I will be the one to do the dying for myself, because nobody else can or will do it for me. Those people that thought I should live my life for THEM, instead of FOR ME will be glaringly and obviously absent at that moment.
In like fashion, I am also going to be the one to do the living for myself. I will not let anyone even attempt to do that for me, either. Those people that can't and won't die for me will not be allowed to do the living, or to make life choices for me, either.
A month ago tomorrow, I had to drove to Hannibal to bury the #1 music mentor in my entire life. I have known this man since my birth (45 years), He was 12 when I was born.
To make a long story a lot more longer and tedious, we lost contact of each other in adulthood when his family moved from Hannibal to Chicago, where he had a Hammond organ business (both selling them and playing professionally) - for about 15 years - but became reacquainted and close friends again 15 years ago.
In adulthood, he had long, platinum blonde hair. and was a loud, boisterous little shit. I **very** incorrectly assumed that, like myself, he was at the helm of his ship, controlling every aspect of his life, and doing a good job of it.
In 2008, I made the trip from STL to Hannibal to go to his grandmother's visitation and funeral. This woman was the one that planted the music seed in my friend's mother (her daughter), and in Phil, himself. His grandmother was also the minister's wife. I remember when she rocked me in the cradle in the church nursery, and when she rocked me when she held me in her arms when I was 18 MONTHS old. I remember those moments because I felt a warm love from her that I never got from my own mother / family.
Anywho, back to Phil. I went to this man's grandmother's funeral in 2008. We were in the funeral home, and walked several feet from his grandmother's casket. His mother (her daughter) was standing at the head of the receiving line, at the head of the casket.)
In passing, and as we were walking by - SEVERAL FEET AWAY! - I casually mentioned some superficial gay issue that was so trivial that I can't even remember the subject of the actual conversation. (and if I have memories back to when I was 18 months old, memories made in 2008 are recent history!)
As soon as I made that light comment, Phil whirled around on his heel, looked at me, and quickly put his finger to his lips and hissed, "SHHHHHHHH!" at me. I was momentarily confused. I whispered back to him, "WHAT???? What did I say that was wrong?" He answered me back, "We don't talk about that (being gay.)"
I stopped for a moment in my tracks, letting the reality of the events that just occurred sink in my skull.
I'm fairly quick on the draw, and not more than a second of time passed before I grabbed him by the arm, and I yanked him in the hallway of the funeral home, and I let out this acidic hiss:
"Oh, Hell to the power of NO, Phil! You are a 50 year old STRONG man with your own business and your own life, and you STILL have not told your mother that she can love you for WHO you are, or she can go straight to Hell?"
That was just the tip of the iceberg, as I quickly found out.
This VERY GAY MAN actually got married. To a female - when he was much younger. He has a daughter that is almost 30, and 2 grandsons.
Was his 'wife' at the funeral of this family matriarch? No. Was his daughter? No.
In fact, the first time in my entire life that I had ever seen his wife was at his OWN funeral.
Another clincher: Phil's #1 worry was that he would die 'alone, at home, and that nobody would find his body for days or weeks.'
I have a very important question / interjection:
"How does one die 'alone and at home, an nobody would fine your body for days or weeks' when one is 'married', with a wife 'at home?'
The answer. While I believe that they were truly legally married, this entire fiasco was a 'cover up'. It was a bad, put-on front. You see, his family is very religious (ALL of them are First United Pentecostal people that went non-denominational, but they still harbor the evils and the bigotry that comes along with being past-Pentecostal.
I about shit myself when, at the graveside, Phil's brother listed ALL the surviving relatives during the committal service, and was several sentences away from that train of thought when he FINALLY remembered to mention Phil's 'wife'. The brother said, "I want to thank Tilly, his wife, for standing by his side all these years!" My sister was at this service with me. I whispered in my sister's ear, "She wasn't standing by his side! She was standing across Chicago, because they never lived together! It took Andrew several sentences past the listing of the family before he even remembered to include her!"
Why did Phil's brother forget to mention Phil's wife? Because she was a 'wife' in name, only, and was there only to serve as a cover-up because Phil was gay, and this family is chock-full of bigots.
I was, and I still am, floored beyond belief.
Granted, this man had HIDEOUS health habits.
(Further proof that he was a gay man lies in the few next sentences.)
You see.... Phil was the blackest white man you have ever seen. From the age of 9, he played VERY heavy, multi-national-award-winning black gospel music in an all-white Pentecostal church that had never heard a single note of black gospel music in their entire lives. Phil was arguably one of the best gospel organists in this entire country, and most likely, in the entire world, for that matter.
Along the lines of playing all-black gospel music, Phil LOVED black men. When I say LOVED, I am talking about in both a very physical AND a relationship / romantic sense. I have proof of that fact that I good taste and decorum will not allow me to write in this space, so you will have to trust me on that one.
Not only did Phil think he was a black man, but he also lived like one. If you have ever heard his organ playing style, you would admit that the influence is 'thick and undeniable'. Phil was also a non-denominational minister. If you ever heard him preach or sing, and you closed your eyes, you would be most certain that you were listening to a LARGE black man, rather than a small, white man. Not only did Phil play like a black man, but he also sang and spoke like a black man, too.
Phil smoked. Heavily. Sorry, folks. It's the truth.
The only physical exercise that he EVER got was sitting on a Hammond organ bench.
And, if there was ever a part of a diet that is associated with black culture that is bad for you, Phil found it, lived it, and loved it. I'm talking about much more than 'soul food', which he loved and relished, I'm talking about fast food, and tons of it.
There is one HUGELY important factor in Phil's death that his 'loving' family never considered:
(I am a nurse, and I am a damned good nurse. I have 20+ years of astute observations under my belt.)
Granted. Five years from now, Phil would have died from the heart attack that did actually kill him - in the parking lot of a tanning salon! - as a result of his hideous health habits, and ignoring what he was doing to his body. He would have been in his 60's, rather than in his 50's when he died.
** IN A VERY REAL SENSE, STRESS KILLS! **
This is jus a tiny fraction of a list that contains major life stressors:
* Minor violations of the law
* Major holidays
* Vacation
* Major change in number of family get-togethers
* Change in eating habits
* Major change in sleeping habits (a lot more or a lot less than usual)
* Taking on a loan (car,etc.,)
* Major change in social activities (clubs,movies,visiting,etc.)
* Major change in usual type and/or amount of recreation
* Major change in church or temple activity (i.e.. a lot more or less than usual)
* Major changes in working hours or conditions
* Changes in residence
* Changing to a new school
* Trouble with boss
* Revision of personal habits (dress manners, associations, quitting smoking)
* Major change in living condition
Living your entire life as a huge lie, just so your 'loving family' won't alienate you is a huge stressor that, by far, trumps any and all on the above list. As was clearly demonstrated in Phil's case, living such a huge lie will knock many years off your already miserable life.
Phil died at the age of 57 due to a hideously cat-boxed lie. Period.
I will agree with you: It was PHIL'S responsibility to 'politely' tell every member of his family:
"I can love whoever the Hell I damned well please. I can be physically attracted to whoever the Hell I damned well please. I will not make excuses for who I am or for what I do. There will never be any need for me to do that, so don't wait around for it."
"What I do in my bed - or in my entire life, for that matter - is none of your business or of your concern. I am not a "What", I am a "Who". You will love me for WHO I am, not for WHAT I am. I don't want mere 'tolerance' out of you, either. 'Tolerance' means, "I don't like what you are doing, but I will deal with it, in order to keep the peace.". No. I can do you one better than that. If you are going to be in my life *at all*, you are going to absolutely love me for who I am. I don't want to burden you with 'tolerance'. Get the Hell out of my life, and get the Hell out now."
"While we're on the subject, where the Hell do you get off thinking you have the authority to judge me at all? More than just a little pompous and self-important, are we? Your life is no more valid or authentic than my own life, and the fact that you think you have been given a position to just, put down or persecute people for living their own lives just might lower your own life a peg or two."
I am proud - nay - down-right THRILLED to love and to live my life to the fullest extent that I see fit.
You are not welcome nor allowed to do so for me, so get the Hell out and get the Hell out now!"
(Trust me. The liberation that follows is the most cleansing feeling that will ever flood your soul. I did the same thing to my entire family, and like Lot's Wife who is in that Bible that those people think they have the right to hurl at me, I have never looked back, for fear of turning into a pillar of THEM! It worked for me!)
EVEN THOUGH.... Phil had the responsibility for setting those fools on the correct course, they should have had the wherewithal to NOT be royal jackasses and tell him that he is going to Hell for being a gay man. He was gullible and vulnerable, and they took advantage of those huge weaknesses that he harbored and allowed to grow quickly out of control.
Come, now, people! Which do we think will send you to Hell the quickest:
1) Living an HONEST, AUTHENTIC life that is based on LOVE for another individual or
2) Wasting your entire life while fabricating lie after lie and living an ENTIRE lie until the day you die, thus living miserably until the day you die. (And usually having a separate relationship with a person who you were INTENDED to be with in the first place, thus 'stepping out' on the fake relationship that you constructed as a cover-up.
(You do know that I could go on for another couple chapters of this 'book' on #1, but, in the immortal words of Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls.... "But, I digress."
To recap:
I will not live nor die like Phil did. I have heard SO many people comment, "I love Phil! He always spoke what was in his heart and what crossed his mind!"
The truth: UH.... NO, HE ABSOLUTELY DID NOT!
I have also heard people say, "Phil was such a strong man!"
The truth: NOPE. NOT TRUE, EITHER!
(How the Hell strong exactly was he, when he wouldn't even allow him to life a fair, justified life, and in fact, he lived it for others, which ultimately killed him?)
Again...."When that times comes, I will be the one to do the dying for myself, because nobody else can or will do it for me. Those people that thought I should live my life for THEM, instead of FOR ME will be glaringly and obviously absent at that moment.
In like fashion, I am also going to be the one to do the living for myself. I will not let anyone even attempt to do that for me, either. Those people that can't and won't die for me will not be allowed to do the living, or to make life choices for me, either.
It is a very sad fact, indeed, that **I** lived the life that Phil preached. **I** practiced his preaching. He did not. I live happily. He never did. Was his sacrifice worth it?
If you answer 'yes' to that question, you need: God, Jesus, Allah, Ganasha, Shive, Krishna, Rama - somebody, damn it! - but the help you need is beyond the scope of my skill set!
(The really scary part of this deal is that I know at least 5 very gay men that are in 'straight' marriages, or they are very gay men that call themselves 'straight'. All 5 of those people are truly and obviously as miserable as miserable can get, and most of them ooze that miserableness onto anybody that is unfortunate enough to be close enough to the afflicted individual to get some of that nasty ooze on them!)
- Michael
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