"Nope! I have to see it!"

This meme reminds me of the first time I attempted to go up in the St. Louis Gateway Arch - with my 00+ gauge Prince Albert piercing in! My piercing is the same as the pic in this picture, but the gauge that I wear-  (thickness of the metal) - is 1 size bigger, and weighs a half a pound.

I don't wear it often, and like any piece of jewelry, after it's in (on) for a second or two, the wearer forgets that it's in place (like putting a watch on your wrist. After a few seconds, you don't feel it in place anymore.) 




Anywho, I went to the Arch. I forgot that it's a 'federal building', and you must go through the metal detector and security check points before even entering the gift shop.

(A double whammy is that I was a wholesale florist for 6 years, and Mark has been a wholesale florist for almost 20 years. All florists - especially wholesale florists - carry a floral pocket knife with them at all times. Most of these knives have a hooked blade. They're about 4.5" in length. Now, when I go to City Hall or any other federal building, I make sure all body jewelry is out and any floral pocket knives stay in my truck. I automatically take off my not 'n' bolt choker and put it in the basket that goes through the x-ray machine.)

So... I forget that I'm wearing a half pound chunk of metal through my yahoo.

I go through the metal detector, and the alarm goes off.

They rather forcefully pull me aside and run the wand up and down my body. when it is level with my crotch, the thing lights up and the alarm goes off again.

When my Ex worked at the airport, I would go down the same concourse to pick him up. After checking me through a couple times, the next time I set the alarm off, I would tell the agents (that knew me well), "I have my PA in." and I would point to my crotch. They smiled and motioned me through without further attention to the matter.

Silly me! When THIS particular agent ran the wand down my body, and I told him, "I have a half pound, 00 gauge Prince Albert in.", and I pointed to my crotch, he said, "Nope! I have to see it!" Right down to the tape, itself, this gaurd looked exactly like the nerdy cop in the 1980's movies that had his glasses taped in the middle.

When he firmly stated, "Nope! I have to see it!" I looked at my Ex and smiled. He rolled his eyes and put his head back as if to indicate to me, "Oh, no! Here we go again!"

I looked at the (male) cop, and self-assuredly said, "OK, Sista! Perhaps this IS Burger King, and you CAN have it your way!"

He took me by the arm and lead me to a small utility room that was off to the side of probably 200 people waiting to go to the top of the Arch. They witnessed the entire fiasco.

We walked into the utility room, and he shut the door.

Without so much as looking down, I took my stuff out of my pants - using only the metal ring as a handle. Again - without changing expressions and without looking down, I started twirling my junk as if I was turning a jump rope!

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin' - send my soul straight to Hell!

Without looking where he was going (because his huge eyeballs were fixated on the action down below!), this nerdy guard moved back as far away from me as he could, and his arms were stuck out to his sides, and he was clawing the concrete walls of that small utility room. He was making the most ghastly, "I'm scared shitless!" sounds that he could get out of his wide open mouth! If he could have climbed that wall backwards, he would have been stuck on the ceiling in 2 seconds flat!

While his back was still plastered against the wall, I put my junk back in my pants, zipped myself up, and then I walked over to this trembling man. I slammed my hand against the wall with my hand landing an inch from his head. I leaned over to his face until we were almost Eskimo kissing and I hissed, "Now, nerd boy! When you take your scrawny ass home, how are you going to explain your shit stained underwear to your WIFE!???"

(His back was still against the wall!)

I turned, walked out the door, and I slammed it behind me. In the huge concrete cavern that is beneath the arch, the door slamming sounded like a cannon going off.

The guard didn't follow me out of the room.
In fact, I never, ever saw him again!

I just walked myself THROUGH the security check point, and, while smiling hugely, I did the "elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch your pearls, blow a kiss" maneuver to the other guards as I walked through the checkpoint and on to my Ex, who was already waiting in one of the trams to go to the top of the Arch.

- Michael