Thump, Thump! Who's There?

Oh, the joys of both Erb's Palsy and Gunstock Deformity:

I have woke up in the morning, and found a DEAD arm on my own chest. Thinking, "Who the HELL is in bed with me?", with my left arm, I pick up this strange arm, and then I still can't determine who the arm belongs to. I drop the offending limb, and it lands with a LOUD THUMP! on my chest, knocking the wind out of myself. THEN, I get brave and starting at the fingers, I follow the arm up to the shoulder, before I finally make the determination that it IS ATTACHED TO ME!

After I have a little laugh at how silly I have been, I get out of bed. Er...... I TRY to get out of bed (Ever try to get out of bed with just one arm when you're old??) After several failed attempts, all of which resulted me falling back into the bed and landing face-up on my back, exasperated, with all the energy and determination that I have remaining in my body, I get up as much momentum as possible, and I fling myself from the bed into a standing position.

THEN.....OH, THEN......

the offending right arm - still very dead to the world - absolutely no sensation AT ALL - comes flying back at me. Gunstock Deformity leaves a permanent, very noticeable 'crook' in my right arm that can't be straightened out. This bent arm can give me a very deadly aim that I don't necessarily welcome in my life. My floppy, but crooked arm aims my hand in the right direction: hand punches myself in the crotch. It is at that point that,. while writhing in pain, and trying to catch my breath from that searing pain that I decide that I could remain lying flat on my back on the bed, with BOTH arms by my side until I regain both sensation and what functionality that I have left back in my right arm before I try to get out of bed again!

(Embarrassingly, this has happened to me at least 3 or 4 times in my life, and I think my 'fun' is far from over!)  :D

- Michael

You Have Your Idols - He Has His

(Note to the uninitiated:  Conrad is an 18 yr. old African Grey Parrot!)

After 11 seasons, you'd think that I would catch on quicker.

I finally figured out what pushes Conrad's "More Octane" button on his flame-thrower hooked bill. - on some mornings. (Pure lunacy and being jealous that he isn't getting fed first account for the other 6 mornings of the week!)

He's a bit more caustic on mornings AFTER we watch Hell's Kitchen! I think Gordon Ramsey is one of his idols.

This morning, he greets me with, "Good Morning, Michael! Come here to me, I need to talk to you!" I know it's a ploy to get me to give him an earlier breakfast. I walk over to his cage and respond with, "What?"

Out of the blue, and off the top of his little birdie lungs, he yells spasmodically (Like Gordon barking orders!):

"You're a f*cking ZOO! I love you, F*cker!"

My answer, "I love you too, you little psycho!

(A few mornings when Mark has been home from work, and Conrad is putting more energy into demanding his breakfast, Mark will go to Conrad's cage and ask him:

"Isn't that the reason your birth mother sold you down the river, in the first place?"

It's true. Besides being a product of a divorce (where he learned his favorite noun - "Whore"), and even though he has never said a single word in the voice of the woman that raised him for 7 years, even though she fed him from a syringe before his eyes were open, Conrad was jealous of his birth mother's relationship with her HUMAN son, and he demanded to be fed his morning scrambled eggs before her son got his first bottle.

He would throw a fit, and food, feathers, etc, would gain momentum flying around the room - EVERY MORNING. That routine is, indeed familiar.

- Michael

Spring 2013 St. Louis Events and Venues

This is by no means intended to be a comprehensive list of events in the St. Louis.  This is a list of my own personal favorite Spring events and venues in the St. Louis area.  Your mileage may vary!





One of two large Greek Fests in the St. Louis area.  St. Louis hosts one festival in the county and in the spring, and the other festival is held over Labor Day weekend in the city.

(Honestly, it is less about the religion, and ALL ABOUT THE FANTASTIC AUTHENTIC GREEK FOOD!)

All the Ouzo you can drink ( a couple shots is all you want or need!)
I loves me some Spanakopita!
Here is a primer on authentic Greek food:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_food

St. Louis County's Greek Fest:

We Invite You to ''Experience A Taste of Greece Without The Airfare'', this Memorial Day Weekend, May 24th - 27th at the St. Louis County Greek Fest held at:

The Assumption Greek Orthodox Church
1755 Des Peres Road
Town & Country, MO
(Off Manchester Rd., near West County Mall)

Another Word to the Wise:
Do your homework:

'Get there EARLY.  If you think it would 'be a good idea to go for lunch, please understand that thousands of people have THE SAME IDEA, and you will be waiting in line for a while.  Park out, and take the free shuttle in to the event.  Again - if you wait 'till lunch time', you might as well wait a bit until lunch is over, otherwise you will be waiting an hour or more for a seat on the shuttle, in which case, it would behoove you to walk the couple blocks to the event, rather than wait for the trolley.)

It will be fun for the entire family featuring great Greek Food and Pastries, Live Greek Music and Dancers, Gift Shops, Church Tours and a Kids Corner.

Enjoy yourselves Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 11 am to 9 pm, and Monday from 11 am to 8 pm.

Visit Us At http://stlgreekfest.com or Call 314-966-2255 for more information

St. Louis Symphony Gypsy Caravan -

The largest single-day flea market in the St. Louis area

Since 1973, the St. Louis Symphony Volunteer Association has presented one of the largest antique, craft and flea markets in the Midwest, raising more than $3.5 million in support of the STL Symphony.

Gypsy Caravan vendors come from 20 states and sell something for everyone: antiques, collectibles, crafts, jewelry, furniture, clothing, imports, yard art and more!

I have gone to this flea market for 18 years. (Hopefully, the rain will go away for a couple days!)  My purchases over the years have ranged from home decor that I still use to this day, musical instruments, food items, household tools, and much, much more.

An admission is charged for this event, and proceeds go to the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra,  the second-oldest symphony orchestra in the United States, preceded only by the New York Philharmonic.

Without fail, I always buy Early Bird tickets to avoid the huge gush of people at the gate at 9:00 AM, and I have never been disappointed that I spent a little more money for a better chance at relatively unobstructed shopping!

(A WORD TO THE WISE:  Unless you use your early advantage to shop the vendor booths that are located in the covered parking garage, I wouldn't spring for Early Bird tickets if it's raining.  A lot of outdoor vendors won't bring full tents, and they won't set up their booth until the rain stops.)

Event Details:

41st Annual Gypsy Caravan
Monday, May 27, 2013, 7:00am-5:00pm (rain or shine)

Campus of the University of Missouri-St. Louis

ON SALE NOW! Purchase advance tickets and save on admission!

BUY NOW! - Early Bird Admission (7-9am): $17.50 ($20 at the gate)
BUY NOW! - General Admission (9am-5pm): $8.50 ($10 at the gate)

Call the Powell Hall Box Office at 314-534-1700 to order by phone. Box Office sales close at 5pm on Friday, May 17.

NEW! Discounted admission also available for purchase now through Monday, May 27 at area Dierbergs Markets.

Admission for children under 12 to Gypsy Caravan is free at all times.

The Abundance of Idiots

When I was younger, I didn't notice the over abundance of idiots in society that we see today, and there are a couple reasons why I missed them:

1) There really are more idiots due to the self-dumbbing-down of Americans, and the fact that those that have very outwardly and proudly assumed dumbing-down as their new hobby. (It's a much more lazy way to get through life gaining the most attention while expending the least amount of energy - in true lazy fashion.)

2) In the not-so-distant past, there were limited means that idiots could use to inflitrate our homes and our lives, in general.  Considering the inexpensive, ease-of-access to the entire world that the internet brings today, the idiots that once could only appear on TV, on the radio and in newspapers are now glaringly in plain view. The idiots that once stayed hidden from our view for the lack of a means to ooze themselves all over us are now blatantly in our face.

Am I angry that the idiots are now more than ever more visible than they were in the past?  Not at all.  An idiot in plain view is less dangerous than a hidden, less obvious idiot.

(Please note that most of the blatant idiots that splatter the internet with their uneducated crap usually don't use their real names or photos.  They might be dumber than owl shit - but they're not THAT dumb!  For the record, this is my real name - and the look that you will recognize each and every time I leave my home.)

- Michael

You Can't Go Home

This past Fall (2012), for the first time since a friend's funeral and visitation in 2008, I went back to Hannibal, MO for their Fall Festival. The arts, crafts, festival and antique shops on Main were fun and interesting. I also drove by Levering Nursing Home - was Levering Hospital, where I was born!, I drove by the Pentecostal church at 11th & Broadway - where I fell in love with the Hammond B3 organ, and I heard it several times a week since I was 2 wks old....

I also drove to Mt. Olivet Cemetery, where my paternal grandmother and her side of the family is buried - along with everybody from Mark Twain's immediate family (Aunt Polly, who was his mother in real life, "The Judge", which is his father, his siblings and their spouses, etc - with the lone exception of himself, his wife and kids - they're buried in Elmira, NY)...

I also went by Oakwood Elementary School, and I meant to, but I forgot to visit Garth Mansion, where Mark Twain gave his last speech in Hannibal.

(Doncha know it.... my lovely, culturally-soaked parents never told me that we lived within walking distance of Garth Mansion when we lived right across Highway 61 from Grandview Cemetery. (A lot of friends and relatives are buried in Grandview, too.)

I also drove through Quincy and the surrounding areas, where I lived from 1979 - 1995. I know it was early in the morning on a fall Saturday, but to my St. Louis-infused mind, I felt like Hannibal and Quincy BOTH have reached a point far beyond Mark Twain's opening line in "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" - 'Hannibal was a sleepy little town....' I don' think Hannibal / Quincy are sleepy any more - I think they're down-right comatose!

Like a lot of cities, most of the business / action has moved to Quincy's outskirts, leaving downtown feeling more than slightly abandoned. More areas seemed to be overgrown and run down than I previously remember. I know that it's because I've lived in a larger city for 18 years, but the streets seemed to be actually TINY and closed-in compared to what I hold in my memory.

I did enjoy the things that haven't been influenced by changes in people and influenced by the passage of time: Mt. Olivet Cemetery, Riverside Cemetery, Lover's Leap, etc, have remained unchanged for probably 100 years. When I visited those few places, I felt like "I was finally home...."

Prior to about 8 years ago, in the past, I enjoyed visiting that area. But this past fall, as I was driving down Highway 61 back to St. Louis, with a few exceptions, I was glad to be going home. I did have SOME good experiences in the Hannibal / Quincy area, but for the most part, I was left feeling sad, a bit cheated, depressed and more than a bit let down. Hindsight being 20 / 20, if I had to do it all over again, I would rather keep my memories of decades past, rather than have a clear vision of how things are there today.

In a very literal and real sense, being blind in one eye isn't always a 'bad thing'. Mark and I can be driving down a street or walking through a mall, and - at first glance - I will notice a gentleman who looks 'rather fetching'. Mark will tell me, "Oh, no. Look again!", indicating that because I am blind in one eye, I didn't get a good look at the fella in the first place, and that the reality of the situation is that he isn't all that good looking! I will NOT look again, and I will tell Mark, "No, thanks. I'll take your word for it. I can tell from your statement that I like will like the image that my memory and what my imagination holds, rather than what he REALLY looks like!" And - I won't take a second look! The same thing is true for the Hannibal / Quincy area. I know that - with a few exceptions - I like the images and memories in my mind rather than the reality of real life in those areas today.

Mark says, "You know - you truly 'can't go home!' " True, dat!

- Michael

Are We There Yet? (And until we get there - please don't take my stuff!)

We now have rights and legal protection in 1/5 th of this country.

Contrary to the beliefs that many citizens of the United States of America hold to be true, the good ole USofA is by far NOT the most advanced country in the world.  When I go into battle, I am not weak enough or back-handed enough to have in my arsenal only one trump card.  I might not be the sharpest tool in the workshop, but please give this ole boy credit where credit is due.  I can fight this particular battle with any one of many players in this chess game of life in the ole USA.  The USA is less-than-desirable ranks in Education, crime, equal rights, some healthcare, and the list of areas that the United States of America falls FAR behind can be quite lengthy.

(One more interesting tidbit is that there are 192 - 195 countries on this Earth.  123 of them are democratic societies.  The United States of America is *1* of that 123, not the only 1.)

Thankfully, there are some of us in this country that are willing to fight to tell others that they have no right and no authority to govern or judge how or who another person legally attaches themselves to.  It's really much more than being about 'union', people.
  
Many people would be homeless or in serious financial difficulty if the supporting partner dies first - because no benefits are awarded.

We can be kept out of hospital rooms because we are not 'next of kin'. (To that I say: Go ahead and try it, security guards.  I know where a good set of nuts are, and I have at least one good foot that is faster than any mouse trap you've ever seen.)

That individual might also find their home EMPTY if they don't stand at the door and guard it with a gun, because the deceased partner's family can very well and very easily strip the home of possessions and memories that both partners worked for years to build and establish.

(Trust me when I tell you that BOTH Mark and myself have relatives that are willing and able, and in fact, 'chomping at the bit' to do this very thing to the surviving partner.  If we have such less-than-moral relatives, so do other gay couples.)

We have come a long way, and we have 4/5 of this journey yet to complete.  We must be protected financially and legally to avoid the idiots that are lurking just out of the limelight.

- Michael

One lump, or Two? And just how Hip are YOU ???

During spring / summer months, my standard hat and the Roar! embroidered shirt combo is much to hot to wear.  I would be gushing sweat from every pore.

I limit putting my mustache and goatee in it's recognizable 'up do' to once, maybe twice a week.  The hairspray, hair mousse and hot blow dryer is *extremely* damaging to the hair.  I loose more than a good fair share of facial hair every day due to the stress from styling.  Because of the increase damage caused by the entire process, I limit doing my face in the up-style to out-of-the-house excursions that have a lengthy duration of several hours.  If I'm just running down to the corner grocery store, the pic that I have added to this blog is my customary chosen look.

Within seconds of putting any light cap - including but not limited to baseball caps, due to a large permanent bump on the back of my head, my cap will - without exception - slide off to the side of my head.  Years ago, I grew tired of constantly fighting it, and I just let it sit where it comes to rest on my head. (That large bump was caused by incidents that were inflicted upon me as a child, and they were caused by: a horse, a brother and a cousin, which can often be confused for one and the same!)

To add to the jalopy that is me, I have both Erb's Palsy and Gunstock Deformity in my right arm, making it very noticeably 4" shorter than the left arm, and with a good degree of an obvious permanent bend at the elbow that cannot be even temporarily straightened.

The last obvious quirk is a moderately successful correction of a right clubbed foot.  My foot didn't club in or out, as 'standard' clubbings, but it clubbed straight up - like a safety pin.  for a chance of pace, I will spare you the long story, the end result is that I have a man-made, fused ankle.  Ankles that don't bend produce a not-so-average walk, and depending on my level of pain or tiredness, my walk ranges from a mild but noticeable swagger to a full limp.

Consider those physical anomalies, and factor in my unorthodox everyday look.

Wouldn't you know it?

Almost EVERY TIME that I walk down a busy pedestrian street, through a store (Walmart is the best for this action!), or through a popular mall, some testosterone-soaked youth will notice my cap on sideways, my bent arm and my 'swagger' walk.  Without fail, he will 'pump up his game'.  He throws his head back, moves his cap MORE off to the side of his head, he bends his arm as if to 'catch wind', and puts more swagger into his already-pants-to-his-knees waddle.

I have several choices: get pissed.... laugh .... or cry!

I usually laugh - and I laugh loudly, and once in a while, when I pass him, I'll whisper, "You unobservant idiot!  God made me 'hip' - and you're trying to 'one up' his game!  What you're trying to do is to out-game a gimp!"

Sometimes the hormone-afflicted youth gets my message, but other times a confused look is followed by - more swagger!

I have to laugh - and I usually bring on a healthy, cleansing but piercing cackle!  :)

- Michael