Tick.... Tick.... Tick.... The Water Bug Story

I have my own water bug story that looked something right of Arachnophobia. Personally, if I see a spider in my house, I'll let him go about his way. **IF** I wake up in the middle of the night, and he's on my face, it's all over for Mr. Spider.

I lived in a 2 bedroom apt. just a block from Hardee's. I would read a book - or read the newspaper - and lay it down beside the bed on the floor before I went to sleep at night.

I am a VERY light sleeper.

I woke up in the middle of the night one night by thousands of little 'tick.... tick... tick' sounds. I rolled over and flipped on the light on the nightstand.

The wall that wasn't more than 3 ft. from my bed, from floor to ceiling was COVERED with huge water bugs! Those bugs were crawling down that wall, across the floor, and the 'tick... tick.... tick....' sound that I heard was the thousands of bugs crossing the newspaper that I had laid on the floor just a few inches from the bed - and they were headed in my direction!

(That room had been an 'add-on', and right at where the door of the 'new' room met the older structure, the builder didn't do a good job of closing that gap!)

I had 2 bedrooms, and honestly, I got up and ran out of that room, closed the door, and I honestly believe that I never went back in that room again until the day I moved out of that apt, several months later.

(Is there some connection between Quincy and HUGE waterbugs????)

- Michael

If The Shoe (shirt!) Doesn't Fit....

Good God, people.

I have caught one too many whiffs of the Ambercrombie and Fitch backlash, so I decided to do some research for myself.

BEFORE I did my Google searches to learn what the fuss was all about, I looked at the thumbnails of the people who commented on these backlashing articles.

(Yep. Even as a fellow fat boy, I am willing to take sides with the clothing company.
I noticed that probably 90% of the thumbnails of the complaining people were of fat people. GURL! You didn't have to tell me twice! I KNEW that the complainers would be fat people. I was just doing my homework.)

One comment under these articles said it best:

"If a clothing company wants to have a certain image, let them have it. they sell jeans and T shirts and there are more than enough other labels that carry up to xxx if your comfortable wearing that size. Quit blaming others. Everybody is such a winner these days."

Did you read the "QUIT BLAMING OTHERS" sentence? If you want to wear skinny brands - GET SKINNY. If your Toxic Hell - er..... I mean Taco Bell - is more important to you than being skinny, then, to that I say, "Chow down, Mrs. Brown!" but stop showing the world your own insecurities by poking at others who are doing something that you allow to make yourself miserable.

Dr. Phil says that such actions are the same as saying aloud, "There is something in that guy (company!) that I can't stand in myself!"

You're making it blatantly obvious.

Yes. I have both Ambercrombie and Fitch jeans, AND their other company - Hollister - in my closet. These are $70 jeans.

When I could fit in those jeans, I was hot as Hell. And quite frankly, I am hot as Hell in the other brands that I wear, too.

It's not about a stuck-up brand, people. It's about your own insecurities. If I was either of these companies, I wouldn't change a thing. They're doing it right. The complainers, on the other hand - not so much.

I know that this blog entry isn't going to win me any Miss Congeniality awards, but to quote Julia Sugarbaker in Designing Women (in the famed "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia" rant):

"Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway."
The story is better told by Julia, herself:

Another quote, this one from Sophia on The Golden Girls:
"Jealousy is an UGLY THING, Dorothy - and so are you in anything backless!"

- Michael

Thump, Thump! Who's There?

Oh, the joys of both Erb's Palsy and Gunstock Deformity:

I have woke up in the morning, and found a DEAD arm on my own chest. Thinking, "Who the HELL is in bed with me?", with my left arm, I pick up this strange arm, and then I still can't determine who the arm belongs to. I drop the offending limb, and it lands with a LOUD THUMP! on my chest, knocking the wind out of myself. THEN, I get brave and starting at the fingers, I follow the arm up to the shoulder, before I finally make the determination that it IS ATTACHED TO ME!

After I have a little laugh at how silly I have been, I get out of bed. Er...... I TRY to get out of bed (Ever try to get out of bed with just one arm when you're old??) After several failed attempts, all of which resulted me falling back into the bed and landing face-up on my back, exasperated, with all the energy and determination that I have remaining in my body, I get up as much momentum as possible, and I fling myself from the bed into a standing position.

THEN.....OH, THEN......

the offending right arm - still very dead to the world - absolutely no sensation AT ALL - comes flying back at me. Gunstock Deformity leaves a permanent, very noticeable 'crook' in my right arm that can't be straightened out. This bent arm can give me a very deadly aim that I don't necessarily welcome in my life. My floppy, but crooked arm aims my hand in the right direction: hand punches myself in the crotch. It is at that point that,. while writhing in pain, and trying to catch my breath from that searing pain that I decide that I could remain lying flat on my back on the bed, with BOTH arms by my side until I regain both sensation and what functionality that I have left back in my right arm before I try to get out of bed again!

(Embarrassingly, this has happened to me at least 3 or 4 times in my life, and I think my 'fun' is far from over!)  :D

- Michael

You Have Your Idols - He Has His

(Note to the uninitiated:  Conrad is an 18 yr. old African Grey Parrot!)

After 11 seasons, you'd think that I would catch on quicker.

I finally figured out what pushes Conrad's "More Octane" button on his flame-thrower hooked bill. - on some mornings. (Pure lunacy and being jealous that he isn't getting fed first account for the other 6 mornings of the week!)

He's a bit more caustic on mornings AFTER we watch Hell's Kitchen! I think Gordon Ramsey is one of his idols.

This morning, he greets me with, "Good Morning, Michael! Come here to me, I need to talk to you!" I know it's a ploy to get me to give him an earlier breakfast. I walk over to his cage and respond with, "What?"

Out of the blue, and off the top of his little birdie lungs, he yells spasmodically (Like Gordon barking orders!):

"You're a f*cking ZOO! I love you, F*cker!"

My answer, "I love you too, you little psycho!

(A few mornings when Mark has been home from work, and Conrad is putting more energy into demanding his breakfast, Mark will go to Conrad's cage and ask him:

"Isn't that the reason your birth mother sold you down the river, in the first place?"

It's true. Besides being a product of a divorce (where he learned his favorite noun - "Whore"), and even though he has never said a single word in the voice of the woman that raised him for 7 years, even though she fed him from a syringe before his eyes were open, Conrad was jealous of his birth mother's relationship with her HUMAN son, and he demanded to be fed his morning scrambled eggs before her son got his first bottle.

He would throw a fit, and food, feathers, etc, would gain momentum flying around the room - EVERY MORNING. That routine is, indeed familiar.

- Michael

Spring 2013 St. Louis Events and Venues

This is by no means intended to be a comprehensive list of events in the St. Louis.  This is a list of my own personal favorite Spring events and venues in the St. Louis area.  Your mileage may vary!





One of two large Greek Fests in the St. Louis area.  St. Louis hosts one festival in the county and in the spring, and the other festival is held over Labor Day weekend in the city.

(Honestly, it is less about the religion, and ALL ABOUT THE FANTASTIC AUTHENTIC GREEK FOOD!)

All the Ouzo you can drink ( a couple shots is all you want or need!)
I loves me some Spanakopita!
Here is a primer on authentic Greek food:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_food

St. Louis County's Greek Fest:

We Invite You to ''Experience A Taste of Greece Without The Airfare'', this Memorial Day Weekend, May 24th - 27th at the St. Louis County Greek Fest held at:

The Assumption Greek Orthodox Church
1755 Des Peres Road
Town & Country, MO
(Off Manchester Rd., near West County Mall)

Another Word to the Wise:
Do your homework:

'Get there EARLY.  If you think it would 'be a good idea to go for lunch, please understand that thousands of people have THE SAME IDEA, and you will be waiting in line for a while.  Park out, and take the free shuttle in to the event.  Again - if you wait 'till lunch time', you might as well wait a bit until lunch is over, otherwise you will be waiting an hour or more for a seat on the shuttle, in which case, it would behoove you to walk the couple blocks to the event, rather than wait for the trolley.)

It will be fun for the entire family featuring great Greek Food and Pastries, Live Greek Music and Dancers, Gift Shops, Church Tours and a Kids Corner.

Enjoy yourselves Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 11 am to 9 pm, and Monday from 11 am to 8 pm.

Visit Us At http://stlgreekfest.com or Call 314-966-2255 for more information

St. Louis Symphony Gypsy Caravan -

The largest single-day flea market in the St. Louis area

Since 1973, the St. Louis Symphony Volunteer Association has presented one of the largest antique, craft and flea markets in the Midwest, raising more than $3.5 million in support of the STL Symphony.

Gypsy Caravan vendors come from 20 states and sell something for everyone: antiques, collectibles, crafts, jewelry, furniture, clothing, imports, yard art and more!

I have gone to this flea market for 18 years. (Hopefully, the rain will go away for a couple days!)  My purchases over the years have ranged from home decor that I still use to this day, musical instruments, food items, household tools, and much, much more.

An admission is charged for this event, and proceeds go to the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra,  the second-oldest symphony orchestra in the United States, preceded only by the New York Philharmonic.

Without fail, I always buy Early Bird tickets to avoid the huge gush of people at the gate at 9:00 AM, and I have never been disappointed that I spent a little more money for a better chance at relatively unobstructed shopping!

(A WORD TO THE WISE:  Unless you use your early advantage to shop the vendor booths that are located in the covered parking garage, I wouldn't spring for Early Bird tickets if it's raining.  A lot of outdoor vendors won't bring full tents, and they won't set up their booth until the rain stops.)

Event Details:

41st Annual Gypsy Caravan
Monday, May 27, 2013, 7:00am-5:00pm (rain or shine)

Campus of the University of Missouri-St. Louis

ON SALE NOW! Purchase advance tickets and save on admission!

BUY NOW! - Early Bird Admission (7-9am): $17.50 ($20 at the gate)
BUY NOW! - General Admission (9am-5pm): $8.50 ($10 at the gate)

Call the Powell Hall Box Office at 314-534-1700 to order by phone. Box Office sales close at 5pm on Friday, May 17.

NEW! Discounted admission also available for purchase now through Monday, May 27 at area Dierbergs Markets.

Admission for children under 12 to Gypsy Caravan is free at all times.

The Abundance of Idiots

When I was younger, I didn't notice the over abundance of idiots in society that we see today, and there are a couple reasons why I missed them:

1) There really are more idiots due to the self-dumbbing-down of Americans, and the fact that those that have very outwardly and proudly assumed dumbing-down as their new hobby. (It's a much more lazy way to get through life gaining the most attention while expending the least amount of energy - in true lazy fashion.)

2) In the not-so-distant past, there were limited means that idiots could use to inflitrate our homes and our lives, in general.  Considering the inexpensive, ease-of-access to the entire world that the internet brings today, the idiots that once could only appear on TV, on the radio and in newspapers are now glaringly in plain view. The idiots that once stayed hidden from our view for the lack of a means to ooze themselves all over us are now blatantly in our face.

Am I angry that the idiots are now more than ever more visible than they were in the past?  Not at all.  An idiot in plain view is less dangerous than a hidden, less obvious idiot.

(Please note that most of the blatant idiots that splatter the internet with their uneducated crap usually don't use their real names or photos.  They might be dumber than owl shit - but they're not THAT dumb!  For the record, this is my real name - and the look that you will recognize each and every time I leave my home.)

- Michael

You Can't Go Home

This past Fall (2012), for the first time since a friend's funeral and visitation in 2008, I went back to Hannibal, MO for their Fall Festival. The arts, crafts, festival and antique shops on Main were fun and interesting. I also drove by Levering Nursing Home - was Levering Hospital, where I was born!, I drove by the Pentecostal church at 11th & Broadway - where I fell in love with the Hammond B3 organ, and I heard it several times a week since I was 2 wks old....

I also drove to Mt. Olivet Cemetery, where my paternal grandmother and her side of the family is buried - along with everybody from Mark Twain's immediate family (Aunt Polly, who was his mother in real life, "The Judge", which is his father, his siblings and their spouses, etc - with the lone exception of himself, his wife and kids - they're buried in Elmira, NY)...

I also went by Oakwood Elementary School, and I meant to, but I forgot to visit Garth Mansion, where Mark Twain gave his last speech in Hannibal.

(Doncha know it.... my lovely, culturally-soaked parents never told me that we lived within walking distance of Garth Mansion when we lived right across Highway 61 from Grandview Cemetery. (A lot of friends and relatives are buried in Grandview, too.)

I also drove through Quincy and the surrounding areas, where I lived from 1979 - 1995. I know it was early in the morning on a fall Saturday, but to my St. Louis-infused mind, I felt like Hannibal and Quincy BOTH have reached a point far beyond Mark Twain's opening line in "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" - 'Hannibal was a sleepy little town....' I don' think Hannibal / Quincy are sleepy any more - I think they're down-right comatose!

Like a lot of cities, most of the business / action has moved to Quincy's outskirts, leaving downtown feeling more than slightly abandoned. More areas seemed to be overgrown and run down than I previously remember. I know that it's because I've lived in a larger city for 18 years, but the streets seemed to be actually TINY and closed-in compared to what I hold in my memory.

I did enjoy the things that haven't been influenced by changes in people and influenced by the passage of time: Mt. Olivet Cemetery, Riverside Cemetery, Lover's Leap, etc, have remained unchanged for probably 100 years. When I visited those few places, I felt like "I was finally home...."

Prior to about 8 years ago, in the past, I enjoyed visiting that area. But this past fall, as I was driving down Highway 61 back to St. Louis, with a few exceptions, I was glad to be going home. I did have SOME good experiences in the Hannibal / Quincy area, but for the most part, I was left feeling sad, a bit cheated, depressed and more than a bit let down. Hindsight being 20 / 20, if I had to do it all over again, I would rather keep my memories of decades past, rather than have a clear vision of how things are there today.

In a very literal and real sense, being blind in one eye isn't always a 'bad thing'. Mark and I can be driving down a street or walking through a mall, and - at first glance - I will notice a gentleman who looks 'rather fetching'. Mark will tell me, "Oh, no. Look again!", indicating that because I am blind in one eye, I didn't get a good look at the fella in the first place, and that the reality of the situation is that he isn't all that good looking! I will NOT look again, and I will tell Mark, "No, thanks. I'll take your word for it. I can tell from your statement that I like will like the image that my memory and what my imagination holds, rather than what he REALLY looks like!" And - I won't take a second look! The same thing is true for the Hannibal / Quincy area. I know that - with a few exceptions - I like the images and memories in my mind rather than the reality of real life in those areas today.

Mark says, "You know - you truly 'can't go home!' " True, dat!

- Michael