"Because We Can"

"Because We Can" - the title of the Bon Jovi tour that is coming to St. Louis.

I love a smart man! The reason he used this title for the tour is because he knew beforehand that people would ask (with noses snarled), "Why are THEY going on tour?"
The answer, "Because We Can"

Much in the same manner as the day I fell in love with the idea of driving a used hearse as a daily driver.

I was 18 yrs old, bicycling through the parking lot of the Quincy (IL) Mall. I noticed a black, shiny hearse across the lot. It had a hood scoop, jacked up in the back with wide racing slick tires, dual exhaust pipes, and it's nose almost touched the ground. The curtains were in the windows, and the script was on the side of the hearse. It didn't take a detective to figure out that this hearse wasn't owned by a local funeral home! I rode my bicycle across the parking lot to get a closer look. Remember - this was BEFORE I was 'initiated" - before I had knowledge, and before I learned to take another look from a different point of view! I was thinking what you are thinking:

"Who the Hell would ride around in a fricken HEARSE?"

The answer became apparent to me when I read the license plates. They said:

U 2 1 DAY


Again, somebody had the forethought to put the cart before the hearse, er...horse.  In this case, they put the answer before the Mr. And Mrs. Obvious' in the world asked the obligatory question.

(For a more detailed blog on hearses, FindaGrave.com, FindADeath.com, etc:
http://mrtoadslivingoutloud.blogspot.com/2010/09/miller-monster-squad-findagravecom.html

- Michael

Of ethnocentricity and self-imposed sensory imprisonment.....

....while we are on the subject off ethnocentricity and self-imposed sensory imprisonment:

I was having a conversation with a couple at The Missouri Botanical Gardens this past Wednesday.  A woman walked past us, and she was having a conversation with her male companion.  This couple was speaking ""The Queen's English" (British).

The woman that I was talking to threw her hands up, and looked at her husband and said, "I just hate it when 'they' talk like that!"

I winked at her and said, "Of course, you realize that 'they' invented that language (English) - you just bastardized the Hell out of it.  Although I might LOOK like him, I am NOT the 'Amazing Kreskin'.  Lemme see.....(acting like I was looking into a crystal ball)  "You most likely hold expectations that the earth is pivoting around the point at which we are now standing."

I do wish these people would put those agape mouths to good work and catch a few flies!  :) 

One of my favorite moments in life are when somebody says, "You know, I never thought of it that way!"  

This woman looked at her husband and said, "You know....he does make a valid point!"

When I looked into their eyes, I could see the proverbial 'bright light' flicker on! Right in the middle of the Holiday Train and botanical Show at the Gardens, I gave them a huge hug, and we continued on our merry ways. 

Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

You can always find one particular man at a gas station here in St. Louis, on Jefferson Ave, panhandling for money. His usual shtick is to tell you that he he was kicked out of his house during a fight by his lover (he is always wearing full pajamas, as if he was kicked out in the middle of the night!). When his unsuspecting victims offer to call the police to get him help, he'll say, "Oh, I'm OK. I just need money for food, shelter...etc."

There is several things wrong with this encounter:

1) This man ALWAYS tells the same story.

2) He has told this story so many times that it sounds over-rehearsed.

3) When I am looking 'like myself' , which is 99% of the time, I am a very recognizable person. (He should have recognized me from the many times before that he tried this stunt.)

4) Like himself, I am a fellow gay man. In other words, he should know that "I've got your number!"

5) I am street-wise enough to know that 90% of panhandlers are looking for drug or alcohol money.

(I've seen perfectly able-bodied people park a vehicle, WALK to the back of their vehicle, take out a wheel chair, get in the wheel chair and start trying to look pathetic!)

Back to the drama 'princess' in the pajamas:

I tell him, "Look, you've played this game for so many years that it is sounding WAY too rehearsed. If you want drug money, you need to change it up a little, AND you need to better recognize people that you have already hit up!" Then I go on to tell him:

"First, I'm on social security, and I'm driving THIS truck through YOUR neighborhood. You've earned enough $ today for your daily fix. Now, YOU GIVE ME A DOLLAR!"

His answer (after he realizes that he has tried this stunt on me several times):

"OK, Girlfriend! Whatever you say!"

He hands me a dollar and shuffles off to find his next victim.  

The moral of this story:
I've taken several of his dollars! :)

- Michael

It's not HAPPY HOLIDAYS - it's MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enlightenment is a "good thing".  Enlightenment keeps me from turning into people that I choose not to discuss in an open forum - if you know what I mean.

Before we continue, let's go ahead and debunk that "It's Merry Christmas, not Merry Xmas!" thing.

There is a common misconception that the word Xmas stems from a secular attempt to remove the religious tradition from Christmas by taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas", but its use dates back to the 16th century.

Xmas is nothing more a common abbreviation of the word Christmas . The "-mas" part is from the Latin-derived Old English word for Mass, while the "X" comes from the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the Greek word Χριστός which comes into English as "Christ".  It is nothing more - and nothing less than a simple abbreviation for "Christmas".

While we have this thing splayed open on the operating table, let's go ahead and poke around the actual religion aspect of the issue.

Please understand that there are a LOT of completely different religions that ALL believe in the same GOD (I didn't say "Christ" - I said "God") as Christians believe in.  Some folk would gasp upon discovering that Hindus, Muslims, and many other religions ALSO believe in God, albeit, they also believe in different messengers (not entirely different from Catholics that pray to St. Mary, etc.)
Most religions believe in the same God, even though the 'messengers' might be a 'little' different!  That, however, is a discussion for a different day. 

Consider these facts:
32% of the world's population is Christian.  Christmas - the day Christ was born - December 25 - is actually centered around the winter solstice.  (An important date for Pagans.)

This leaves 78% percent of the world that is NOT Christian.  78% is well over the majority of the world's population that is NOT Christian,  thus "Christmas" - and Easter - means nothing at all to them, and rightfully so.  Both Hinduism and Buddhism are many thousands of years older than Christianity. Now you must understand that one person's religion is no more - or less - valid than the person standing next to him on the planet. 

(Incidentally, Christians killed approximately 200,000 people during the Crusades.  Go ahead on and look up the number of people that Hindus and Buddhists have killed.  First, remove ALL denial filters, then look at those numbers again.  You will find that they are grossly tilted in the direction of the Christian being the 'killingest', to coin a phrase.)

In my humble opinion, "Happy Holidays", to CHRISTIAN people living in USA and Canada, indicates a greeting for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Day

The only countries in the *world* that celebrate Thanksgiving is the USA and Canada.  While we're discussing the USA and Canada, their combined populations are 4.49% of the worlds population.

In summary:
1) "Merry Christmas" pertains to only 32% o the world's population.
2) "Happy Thanksgiving" pertains to only 4.49% of the world's population.
3) There are *32* different calendar systems that are used in the world, and most of those "New Years Days" occur on different days of their particular calendars.

Pertaining to the fact that Americans think the rest of the world should revolve around their own beliefs (when, in fact, they make up only 4.46% of it's population - and the remainder of that population - 95.54% - do not share the same beliefs), well famed travel expert Rick Steves said it best:

"“I would like travelers, especially American travelers, to travel in a way that broadens their perspective, because I think Americans tend to be some of the most ethnocentric people on the planet. It's not just Americans, it's the big countries. It's the biggest countries that tend to be ethnocentric or ugly. There are ugly Russians, ugly Germans, ugly Japanese and ugly Americans. You don't find ugly Belgians or ugly Bulgarians, they're just too small to think the world is their norm.”
 
― Rick Steves

↑↑↑↑↑↑ - Apply as necessary to the current topic of discussion.

An example on how to effectively realize that there are other people on this planet:

I tell my Jewish friends, "Happy Chanukah" (starting on Thursday, November 28 in 2013).

No, Chanukah is not a "Jewish Christmas" (can you believe that I have heard people say that many times?) THERE IS NO JEWISH CHRISTMAS!

BTW, I've heard it from a good source that I am the only goy that says "Chanukah" correctly!

My Jewish friends tell ME "Merry Christmas", but that confuses them because, much like Tina Turner considers herself a "Baptist-Buddhist", I consider myself a Pagan Pentecostal Buddhist Hindu!

I tell my Hindu friend, Prathiba Vasudevan "Happy Holi" (The Hindu Festival of Colors), and I greet her according to the Hindu Holidays that I am familiar with. Even though she knows my spiritual beliefs vary WIDELY, even though she is Hindu, she will tell me, "Merry Christmas, Happy Thanksgiving or Happy New Year", basically because she knows I am an American, and I get the 'catch-all' holidays thrown at me.

Living in a larger city, and being keenly aware of the people that share that big city with me, I learned to address them as individuals with individual needs, rather than lumping them into a lazy, catch-all ethnocentric group.

(Replace "I" with "You" in that last paragraph. If I say YOU, people think I am screaming at them. They would be correct, because I really am screaming at them. If I say "Me / I" in that last paragraph, readers will ignore it because they don't think it pertains to them. Do you see my conundrum?

- Michael

Just A Swingin' ! ! !

Poor Conrad!....

That was my original impression of the situation, but he quickly let me know that he had control long before I thought he needed my assistance.

Besides intimidating the crap out of anybody he can, one of his favorite hobbies is to swing on the swing in his cage. I'm not talking about 'patty-cake, Sunday-afternoon-on-the-porch swinging.  This little man swings FEVERISHLY on that thing.  

Considering that he doesn't have legs dangling over the side of the seat so he can 'pump' them to gain more altitude, the fact that can move at all on that thing amazes me.  The fact that he is a Gold medal winning athlete on that thing amazes me.

Any who, several months ago, I noticed that his swing had worked it's way over to the side of his cage, and I *thought* he couldn't get it going again because the large wooden dowel that makes the swing's 'seat' was too close to the side of his cage, and it was stuck against the cage's bars.

Being the Good Samaritan that I am (!!), I reached above the cage to move the swing, and give it a couple inches worth of clearance between the dowel and the cage bars.  What could go wrong?  In the past (when he wasn't on the swing!), I had moved it away from the side of the cage, and this time I helped him out shouldn't have been any different than the previous episode.  Right?  The difference:  THIS time, Conrad was on the swing when I tried to move it back towards the center of his cage.

Without so much as a glance in the direction of the action OR without looking at me, and without giving the situation a second thought - and by sheer instinct - one of his feet shot out from his side at a 90 degree angle.  He grabbed on to the bars of the cage (immediately adjacent to the swing), and held on as if his life depended on it.  I tugged on the swing, thinking that he would release his death grip on the bars, and let me move the swing.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.

Sometimes, I'm a bit slow on the draw, but I do eventually pick up adequate speed.

I decided to leave him to his own devices.

A few hours later, I noticed that the swing was back as it should be - at least a couple inches away from the side of the cage.

The mystery was solved.  At-will, Conrad can move the swing to the sides of the cage (so it can be used as a stable perch, rather than a swing, and while sitting on the perch, he can push himself away from the bars of the cage so he can swing his little birdie heart out.

He also uses the bars as a brake for the swing.  This crazy bird can be swinging 100 MPH, and suddenly reach over and grab the bars of the cage with either his bill or with one of his feet, and stop on a dime!

I know....I know.... tool use by birds (and at least 9 other species of animals) is no scientific break through.  I just like to see it in action!  :)

- Michael

How Would You Like Your Smoke & Mirrors Today?

DISCLAIMER:
In no way would I ever take a stab at anybody that is sincerely worshiping - in whatever religion they choose, and however they choose.  I will, however, occasionally pick up a stick and poke somebody who disrupts a church or any other service, and their sole reason for do so is purely to gain attention, which has nothing to do with worshiping - and nothing to do with religion, as far as that goes.

"RePUKE the DEEEEEE-VVVVV-IIIII-LLLLL !!!!"

Those kitties look EXACTLY like the two 20-year old cats we had until 3 years ago (they both died within a month of each other).

Further proof that you only THOUGHT you had Chiari malformation. Actually, your diagnosis is much easier than that.

You simply had an old war would from having your head snapped back like a damned PEZ dispenser for so many years!

Now, I am going to be forced to put on my hand-made wooden clogs from The Netherlands and re-enact a V.D. original.

I'll never forget that volatile, half-cocked, but fully crazed woman.

We always knew when a fit was brewing (an unsuspecting visitor walked into the church and sat on the back pew.)

Then....oh, then..... when the moment was 'right' for her, we would always hear that low bass-filled suction "Swoosh" as her butt left the pew - ready to begin the 'First Act'. That sound is all-too familiar, and it reminds me of the sound you hear when you are watching a fireworks show, and a large shell has just left the barge, but not yet exploded.

Phase II begins when the first clod-hopper heel hit that hollow wooden floor with a familiar, loud, "POP!" (like the large fireworks shell's explosion after it reaches the apex of it's flight into the Heavens.)

The stage is set for the Main Act: In a flurry, the heels predictably explode into a rapid succession of fire-cracker pops, and the entire carcass gets into the act:

The head starts going from side to side - in a dramatic attempt to shake down the intentionally loosely styled hair, arm and hands are twisting over her head, as if she is frantically 'dialing Tokyo' on a giant, imaginary radio just out of reach over her head, and her boobs take on an independent life of their own, eventually picking up the pace to be magically synchronized with the large, voluptuous pounding hips!

To quote "Shelangela" from RuPaul's Drag Race (on the LOGO channel),

"HALL-LAY-LOO!"

But.....I have news for ole V.D. When I put these things on, she won't have shit on me! he he

- Michael

If it limps like a duck....

I face the same thing when I go to a new doctor.  

I tell them:

"What do you want me to do to make myself look sick enough or gimpy enough?  Should I take my teeth out, wear my big thick glasses, wear rags, and never groom myself?  Just because I'm not sitting in a wheel chair (all the time!), I might not have my brace on my leg at this very moment, nor do I have on my big, thick, crooked, dirty glasses - and neither am I slobbering all over myself.  If that's what it takes to make you believe my pain, I can either go home and make a quick change, or you can get over yourself and your stereotypes.  Maybe this IS Burger King, and you might be able to 'have it your way', after all.  Which do you choose?"

The ensuing big eyes and agape mouths are priceless.

I have had to change doctors - a couple times - because I am an Essence / Medicare patient, and they accustomed to seeing old people in their waiting rooms, rather than somebody hip and fairly young.

I am experiencing this same type of grief even as we speak with a new rheumatologist.  Just a couple days ago, he blew me off because I looked more 'hip' than the amount of damage in my neck (cervical spine) that showed up on X-rays.

When his nurse called me at home with "We see some "mild degenerative changes" (translated: arthritis) in your neck, but he doesn't want to do.......  "

I cut her off, and told her that I take muscle relaxers, use a TENS unit, and I use a cervical traction unit, I am currently in physical therapy, I take Meloxicam AND over 3,000 mg of ibuprophen a day and all that crap barely scratches the surface.  If Dr. Don (Irl Don - that's his real name!) can't OR won't help me, tell him to please put me in contact with a doctor who can and will!" 

She called me back (Actually, they called the wrong number, and left the message on Mark's voice mail - because his phone number is just one number different from mine!), telling me that he ordered Prednisone for 10 days and I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday.

I'm far from 'out of the woods'.  With Psoratic Arthritis, there never is an "out of the woods', but the Prednisone calmed down this particular flare-up.  Now, I'm begging them to call Essence to have them 'bump me up' from Meloxicam to Celebrex.  With insurance, a month's supply of Celebrex is $35.  WITHOUT insurance, my out-of-pocket expense is $550 a month.

I'm a nurse.  I'm on the inside.  And with the lone exception of my primary care provider, I HATE THESE DAMNED STEREOTYPICAL DOCTORS! 

- Michael